Dissolving the Barriers to Brilliant Sanity

Last week I misplaced my iPhone. I thought I would be clever and use the Find-My-iPhone app to find it, but because the phone was turned off (which is how I usually keep it, since I have the luxury of loathing intrusive ringing or vibrating telephones), Find-My-iPhone couldn’t. If it’s not in my pocket, then the phone is usually attached to the charging cord on the kitchen counter. After looking in every pants and jacket pocket I’d worn during the last week, rummaging through the trash, tearing my truck apart, traipsing around the perimeter of the house, I finally gave in and asked my wife to bring new eyes to the situation. She found the phone in six minutes.

Separated From Sanity

While on the surface a lost phone might seem a pretty mundane incident, a bigger issue underlying the experience turns out to be me separated from something I’ve spent the greater part of my life trying to cultivate: Brilliant Sanity. Brilliant Sanity is a term rooted in Tibetan Buddhism described and practiced most elegantly by Karen Wegela, a contemplative psychologist who was kind enough to contribute a chapter to my Deep Listening anthology. The elements of Brilliant Sanity turn out to loosely mirror the cycles of the seasons. In her crystal clear account, How to Be a Help Instead of a Nuisance, Karen identifies five aspects of Brilliant Sanity. The first is The Cultivation of Openness.

Radical Openness

Openness is associated with the color white and invites us to walk through the world with a sense of sacredness and an unfixated, flexible mind. Losing my iPhone and then not being able to find it no matter where or how hard I looked, resulted in me increasingly losing the luster of Brilliant Sanity. Anything that might have initially unfolded as sacred and flexible in the search soon narrowed into frustration and fear as I began considering what important personal information was stored on the device. Whoever had the phone was surely draining my bank accounts and ordering every single brain science book on Amazon, while I frantically wracked my brain. But then I caught myself and moved in to …

The Richness of Experience

The second quality of Brilliant Sanity: Appreciating the Richness of Experience. This quality is associated with the color of pure gold. The moment I became aware of the crazy-fear thoughts arising in response to the missing iPhone, I was able to pause, lighten up and even laugh: woolly-bully left brain had caught me yet again with its penchant for spinning out endless stories of disastrous futures. All that I knew for sure was that my phone was somewhere and I knew not where. And that’s ALL I knew for certain. Paring back to that simple fact then quickly led me to …

I Can See Clearly Now

The third aspect of Brilliant Sanity: the Wisdom of Seeing Clearly. This aspect is associated with the deep blue of a clear sky. It arises out of left brain, right brain, mind, body and spirit all operating in concert to drive enthusiastic curiosity and inquisitiveness. As we well know, I am deeply curious about how my mind and brain work. I play an ongoing awareness game: doing what I can to catch left brain trying to drive me Brilliantly Insane. Left brain is a master at this game; I like to think I am a worthy opponent. Catching it clearly at work during the Great iPhone Search was encouraging. It also then allowed me to move on to …

Expressing Compassion

The fourth element of Brilliant Sanity: Expressing Compassion through Genuine Relationship. This element is associated with a warm, vibrant red color. One bit of compassion I am able to get in touch with and express is towards myself and the deeply disorganizing response my brain has to loss. Not only the loss of my iPhone, of course, but the loss of friendships, parents, idealized visions, the sweetness of my daughter’s infancy and early years, of my own youth and untold, unrealized personal promise. Loss undergirds virtually every element of human enterprise and if I don’t turn away from it, but instead do my best to turn gently toward loss with softness and compassion, it becomes workable. It also then allows me to move toward …

Applied Effectiveness

Archie and Gracie Lap-Chilling After a Day of Mutual Mischief

The fifth aspect of Brilliant Sanity – Taking Effective Action. This aspect is associated with the growthful color green. Recognizing how being emotionally disturbed distorts not only my capacity to think clearly, but also my senses of vision and hearing, I am able to tell my wife of my plight and ask her for help. The first thing she does is go online and look at the ATT call log. No calls have been made on my iPhone that I didn’t recognize. Next she asks me to think harder about where and when I had it last. Together we determine that the probability is high that the phone made it home with me the last time I was out. Next she starts looking room by room, leaving no covered surface unturned. In my office she lifts up a picture of Bodhi the dog that the cats have apparently knocked into an open carton of Neuro-bliss. And there, under the dog picture next to the bottles of bliss, sits my iPhone.


The First Years Sit and Store Parent Bathing Seat and Stepstool

The First Years Sit and Store Parent Bathing Seat and Stepstool


416rSbi5HIL. SL75  The First Years Sit and Store Parent Bathing Seat and Stepstool

Sit & Store Parent Bathing Seat and StepstoolEnjoy greater comfort while bathing child with our sturdy tub-side seat that doubles as a container for bath toys. Give tired knees a rest and help keep the bathroom clutter-free. Side vents encourage air-flow to keep toys dry and mildew-free. Sit and Store adjusts to two heights and can be used as a stable step stool to help older children reach the sink. Three innovative uses…one compact unit!

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Good to have
I bought this stool to use while giving my infant a bath. It helps that it has 2 different heights but I found it difficult to use by my bath tub – not because the stool is inefficient but because I have shower doors instead of a shower curtain. I do find that I use it when I sit down on a chair/couch as a foot stool. I haven’t used it to store items in it yet because I don’t want it to get heavy. Glad I bought it!

5 Stars Working great for four years!
We got this for my daughter, who is now four, and have used it daily. It has held up wonderfully. I have yet to have a toy get moldy or even slimy because of water in the stool. I sit on it to give my kids their baths (it was even comfortable when I was pregnant with my son) and have never had any trouble with it. Such a simple yet irreplaceable tool.

5 Stars Love It!!
I have had & used this item for abt 2 yrs now. It’s very durable & practical!! I use it to store my sons bath toys, to sit on while he plays in the tub, & he uses it as a stool for the sink to brush his teeth. Great Product!! Would definintly recommend!!! Would also buy as a gift.

5 Stars One product I use daily
I use this everyday at bath time. We have a small place and this also adds some storage for soaps or toys. :o )

5 Stars WORTH IT!
LOVE this bench, saved my husband and I’s knees and great for bath toy storage. great buy

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The First Years Learning Curve Take and Toss Bowls With Lids 8 Ounce6 Pack Colors May Vary

The First Years Learning Curve Take and Toss Bowls With Lids 8 Ounce6 Pack Colors May Vary


31kW2sj5C%2BL. SL75  The First Years Learning Curve Take and Toss Bowls With Lids   8 Ounce6 Pack  Colors May Vary

First Years Y1032 Take & Toss 8 oz Bowls With LidsFirst Years Y1032 Take & Toss 8 oz Bowls With Lids Features:; A perfect solution for transporting or storing baby’s meals; Just the right size for an infants cereal or a hungry toddler’s meal; Comes with lids that seal tightly to keep food fresh and prevent leaks; Great for daycare; Designed area for childs name and date; For 4 months and up; 8 oz; 6 bowls and lids per card

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The First Years Newborn To Toddler Reclining Feeding Seat

The First Years Newborn To Toddler Reclining Feeding Seat


51m U1ZSoHL. SL75  The First Years Newborn To Toddler Reclining Feeding Seat

Our reclining feeding seat is designed for both infants and toddlers – a great space-saving alternative to a highchair, and easily portable, too. There are eight adjustable positions so the seat can grow with your baby. It provides a convenient press-and-slide reclining feature, allowing you to feed your little one at the angle most appropriate for his or her stage of development. As your child learns to sit on her own, it can be used as an upright booster seat with either of two height adjustment positions. Use the seat with its tray (included) or pull it right up to the family table.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Wonderful chair!
Our baby has been sitting in this chair since she was about 10 weeks old. She loves being up high enough to watch me cook and do things in the kitchen. The chair is also great for giving baby a place to hang out on the floor when things are going on down there (like opening presents on Christmas!). Now that our baby is 6 months old, we use it daily to feed her. It’s a really great chair.

5 Stars highchair
product was shipped timely and without damage. It is very useful, a little hard to adjust sometimes but exactly what I wanted. Descriptions were very good and precise. thx

1 Star how do you put it together?
ordered 2 one for me one for MIL. Read instructions and began to assemble. Cannot make back rest snap into base on either chair. OK maybe its me, anyone else have this trouble? It won’t lock there for I cannot move on to the seat. Frustrating, I think I will call FP.

2 Stars cheap made
Purchased for my triplet grandsons. My daughter would have returned them but the boys were in need of seats so all could be fed at same time. Plain trays are better so it doesn’t look like food is on the trays

3 Stars OK… with reservations
The seat was easy to assemble. It is easy to clean and sturdy.The snap tabs that allow for adjustment of the angle of the seat are difficult to use, but I suspect that is so it doesn’t pop out on its own unintentionally. The only thing I don’t like about it is that the tray stays at a 90 degree angle with the seat so that when it is reclined the tray is not level…it moves up in the front with the seat. So to have a level tray the seat must be in the fully upright position. It is ok with an older child, but a small child less than 5 or 6 months is going to have no tray or keel over toward the front when seated upright.

Other than that, the price is right, and I think for most people after the first 5 months it is an excellent choice for every day usage.

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Sesame Street Straw Cup 3 Pack Characters Vary

Sesame Street Straw Cup 3 Pack Characters Vary


31poNFElNQL. SL75  Sesame Street Straw Cup   3 Pack Characters Vary

Sesame Street Take & Toss sippy cups will quickly become a favorite for both children and their parents by combining their favorite constuction team, that they know and love with a cup that is durable enough to reuse, but affordable enough to lose or recycle. Dishwasher, freezer and microwave-safe.Mealtime is more fun on Sesame Street!

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars Sturdy straw cup
I wondered if these cups would hold up to my toddler, but the top seems to stay on very well. For a cheap alternative to a sippy cup, these are great. Plus, the straws are easy to clean…I actually put them in the dishwasher in a nipple basket that has a straw attachment on either side (holds the straws upright).

4 Stars Sesame Street Straw cup review
cups arrived as expected. Cute and durable. Haven’t used them much yet because baby is 17 months old, but plan to soon.

3 Stars Item not as pictured
I ordered these because they are pictured with Elmo on the cup, and my daughter likes Elmo. The product I received has the Zoe character on the cup, and there is no sign of Elmo. While the cups are nice, they are not what I thought I was ordering nor what I wanted.

5 Stars It is not always Elmo
My daughter lovers Elmo, but she’s been heavily into Abby Cadabby lately. Based on other reviews I ordered two sets and kept my fingers crossed. Thankfully one was Elmo and one was Abby. My daughter was THRILLED! I get the ones with straws because they can tip over for a couple of minutes, not leak, for several uses the straw is a little harder to remove, and the lids stay on tight. I’ve had problems with the sippy cup tops on the take-and-toss cups. They have popped off easily and don’t stay as tight as the ones with straws for me.

1 Star Not Elmo!
I like Take & Toss products, and my son is an Elmo fan, so this was a natural choice. However, we received cups with Abby Cadabby instead of Elmo. My low rating is not against Take & Toss, but against the seller for sending something other than what was advertised.

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American Red Cross Cold Care Essentials

American Red Cross Cold Care Essentials


71QtUqSsomL. SL75  American Red Cross Cold Care Essentials

The American Red Cross Cold Care Essentials Kit contains a soft tip nasal aspirator with a removable plug for easy cleaning and a medicine dropper with easy to read markings and an attached travel cap to keep it clean. Dishwasher safe.

User Ratings and Reviews

1 Star Suction Bulb is useless
While the dropper might come in handy, the nasal suction bulb is useless. The bulb is too small and it has a stopper at the base (for ease of cleaning the inside I suppose) that only loosely fits the hole and therefore the bulb does not provide adequate suction power or suction volume to be of any use. While the concept of a clear spout is nice to be able to see what you suction out, the fact that you get no suction renders it completely useless. You’re better off getting a suction bulb like the ones they actually use in the hospital.

1 Star Doesn’t suck at all, wait it does!
The medicine dropper is nice, but the nasal aspirator is THE worst one I’ve tried. There seems to be no such thing as an aspirator that doesn’t hurt baby’s nose, and that actually sucks right. This one has no suction whatsoever.

5 Stars Great!!
Love the dropper. My son has his gripe water mainly with this dropper. He’s just so happy when he sees it that he will have anything and everything in liquids that he’s suppose to have with this dropper. He would rather have his milk with the dropper than his milk bottle…lol

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The First Years Newborn Pacifiers 2 Pack

The First Years Newborn Pacifiers 2 Pack


31FFgWn3 7L. SL75  The First Years Newborn Pacifiers   2 Pack

First Years Y4374 2 Piece Soothie Newborn PacifierFirst Years Y4374 2 Piece Soothie Newborn Pacifier Features:; Sized and shaped for baby’s developing mouth; Made of latex free, hospital grade silicone; One piece durable construction; 90 day limited warranty; Green; 0-3 months; 2 per card

User Ratings and Reviews

2 Stars Can’t get my son to use these

Now that my son has his front set of teeth I was hoping to move him over to the harder pacifiers for safety purposes. The search continues but this one definitely is not the one. He puts it in his mouth and spits it right back out. The softer soothies work like a charm though.

1 Star baby hates these
I bought these because so many babies love them but my son hates these. Not to mention that they are huge on his little face.

5 Stars The only one
I too purchased other pacifiers and this is the only one that my son will take. I am nursing him and it has helped with his need for additional sucking after feeding. None of my other children would take pacifiers, but I bet they would have taken this one had I tried this particular brand. It is the best pacifier for us.

5 Stars Only one my daughter will use!
My daughter refuses to eat more than an ounce or so every few hours, even when she was starving (been like that since she was born, she actually refused to eat the first 72 hours. Guess she never really caught onto the whole sucking thing) and would not accept any type of pacifier(like many parents we bought every pacifier on the market). That was until a friend told us they had a similar dilema and bought us a pack to try out. She absolutely loves them! They are perfect hold overs for until she really wants to eat.

These pacifiers are one piece and without the plastic guard. The advantage to this is that it reduces the chances of nasties lurking in the seams/cracks of where the plastic joins the nipple from improper washing or not sterilizing. Unless you are disassembling your childs two piece pacifier(plastic from nipple) and cleaning it, you’re not cleaning it as well as your tell yourself.

Some perhaps your child shouldn’t be using them. These are NEWBORN PACIFIERS as stated on the package. If your child is not a NEWBORN then it’s probably best to move onto other pacifiers more appropriately sized for your child. Everyone is different but I have a hard time believing a NEWBORN(as these are made for NEWBORNS) can swallow the entire pacifier. I’ve tried and had trouble myself.

Other complaints about the lack of ‘bulbing’ at the tip of the pacifier which makes it difficult for the newborn to hold in it’s mouth is nothing more than laziness. Pay your child more attention. If your child is sucking her thumb(or mittens, sleeves, blankie, what have you) then she/he is either hungry or wants comfort. If you’re sticking a pacifier in a NEWBORNs mouth just so you don’t have to listen to them cry, it’s probably a good time to rethink your methods of raising a child. A pacifier is a great way to comfort or help increase her appetite(we used these to increase her appetite and get her in the habit of sucking so she would eat more) but should not be used simply as a distraction so you don’t have to deal with them.

Lastly, people say these are ugly as sin. I agree, but your child doesn’t care:) Just like all the decorations or excessive amount of money you can spend on newborn clothing, your child does not care.

If it works, it work. Every child is different. For our kid that had trouble grasping the ‘sucking’ motions for the first few months(whether it was breastfeeding or the Playtex slow flow latex wide nipples which are the absolute slowest nipples around!), these helped her become strong and healthy!

2 Stars Difficult to Use
I’ve tried several different pacifiers for my baby.

These things just don’t stay in. I tried several techniques, including some listed in the Amazon reviews, but nothing seems to work. It just falls out of his mouth very easily (I don’t have this problem with competing pacifiers).

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Undoing the Neurobiology of Learned Helplessness

When Bodhi the puppy was in the process of being house trained, he spent a lot of time penned up in the kitchen. His bed was there; his food was there, and any exocrine accidents could be easily cleaned up. Gradually Bodhi came to learn however, that most of the real action in the house was happening in the living room, dining room and bedroom, places where the kitties, Archie and Gracie had free rein. So, every chance he got, Bodhi would make a break for the action rooms. Each time he did, I would authoritatively call his name to get his attention, walk over and lead him firmly by the collar back to the kitchen.

Over time, once he learned that chewing table legs and eating Kitty-poo Roca was a no-no, he was able to spend more and more supervised time liberated from the kitchen. Gradually he learned and earned the right to have the run of the whole house (Although the cats, Archie and Gracie, have their way of letting him know when his intrusive presence is unwanted).

Bodhi at 13 monthsWhat has contributed most to Bodhi’s learning in my estimation is that he has never been hit and has rarely been yelled at. Whenever he would prematurely escape his kitchen training ground, my wife or I would simply repeat the return-to-the-kitchen drill. The fear and shame structures in his brain were rarely set ablaze. I would simply explain to him, calmly  in words, why he wasn’t ready to have the run of the house. My sense is that he didn’t understand my words necessarily, but he DID understand the energy behind my words. In my mental cosmology, Bodhi came to respect my intentions. He was also never punished for his natural desire to pursue the exhilaration of discovery which is almost, but not entirely irrepressible in puppies (q.v. Pavlov).

The point of this story is that Bodhi has rarely experienced anything that would work to teach him learned helplessness. There have been no severe punishments for Bodhi taking action in the world according to his needs and wants. Simple, firm, nonreactive guidance showed him what behavior was desired and acceptable and what wasn’t.

Training Helplessness

Children, however, both deliberately and unwittingly, are continually subjected to treatment that undermines their power and their ability to act on their environment to meet their own needs and wants. From public schools where curriculum is rarely designed to match specific, unique levels of interest and development, to interactions with peers and immediate and extended family, children are constantly constrained by the odorless and colorless restraints of emotional reactivity.

Neurochemistry Makes It Happen

When we feel helpless, neurochemical changes in cortico-releasing hormones and serotonin reuptake structures profoundly affect the flow of energy and information in the brain. Learned helplessness is sometimes likened to the state of dissociation that often results after an overwhelming traumatic experience. Immature brain circuits, which can generate an avalanche of healthy activity when the system is supported but not overly stressed, can become trained, intentionally and unintentionally to  shut off and go into Homeland Security Lockdown in the face of negative reactions from the people around us. To overcome such inhibitions takes effort, encouragement and practice. And it needs parents who don’t consider “talking back” or assertive “No’s” to be disrespectful. A more skillful response, found in disciplines like Authentic Movement or Aikido, might be to “pace and lead” children in the behaviors we desire.

Learning Optimism

One perspective on overcoming learned helplessness and transforming it into “learned optimism” can be found in Buddhism.  Korean Buddhist teacher Seung Sa Nihm expresses it succinctly:

First kill the Buddha.
Then kill your parents.
Then kill your teacher.

Cereal Murder

Obviously Seung Sa Nihm is not advocating for actual serial murder. What he is advocating for is growing into our own authority; finding our own way to continually ask and answer The Two Perilous Questions. Wouldn’t it be remarkable if children were raised, guided and actively supported from birth to continually ask and answer those two questions? That would require parents to actively work with almost every single conditioned fear alive and well in their own neural network. It would invite parents to do the work required to kill their own Buddhas, teachers and parents. Not such easy work.

But we actually can kill them all … while loving and respecting them at the same time. It requires a kind of slowing down, a softening and a willingness to honor what might be true for others, but not necessarily true for us. Which is as it should be. Each generation grows minds and brains capable of processing evermore energy and information. How could they not be different than us? 

P.S. I’d like to invite you to consider the book below to be the perfect Mother’s Day Gift … for Father’s Day. To learn more, click HERE.